


Panic Attack

by WordsOfHeart



Category: Please Like Me (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Break Up, Death, Family, Gay Male Character, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sex, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 08:40:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9648398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsOfHeart/pseuds/WordsOfHeart
Summary: Arnold kept saying to himself : ''I'm fine. I'm doing well.'' But his insides were burning and his head was spinning. He tried so hard to keep it together, but it was all too much. With the death of Rose and Josh being gone, all was just crumbling down. He needed help, he needed hope, he needed Josh more than ever.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I learned that season 4 of Please Like Me would be the last. After quite a few tears, I told myself ''It can't end that way''. So I wrote what would happen next if there was to be a season 5.   
> I hope you enjoy this little story. 
> 
> 4871 words -

Arnold  was trying so hard to keep it together since his break up with Josh, but things just didn't seem to work out for him. He felt blank, empty and lost. So...So lost. He had been totally fine for a week or two. He gave a call to that threesome guy he met with his ex at the club. Lance was his name. He had long dreamy brown hair and the most beautiful face. Oh... And there was no mole on his upper lip, that must have been good...even though he secretly liked every single feature of Josh, even his imperfections. Lance was everything Josh was not. He was confident and very independent...but he was also kind of boring. Arnold wasn't even sure if the dude ever made a joke. Arnold loved jokes. Arnold loved Josh's jokes.

Even though the sex was divine, he could feel in his gut that something was missing. A part of it just didn't seem right. Arnold hadn't even had the courage to tell him about his anxiety issues. After being so open about them with Josh and seeing the impact on their relationship, he decided hiding it was maybe a better solution. There was a problem though...Anxiety was a massive part of him and not knowing about it, was like not knowing Arnold at all. The worst was the constant phobia about him having a panic attack in front of Lance. He had have a total of six since his breakup with Josh two weeks ago. He was never safe from having another one. 

Sadly for Arnold, his biggest fear had to come true eventually.

One morning, after a full night of mean less sex, Arnold received a phone call from an unknown number. Heart pounding, he answered still half asleep, scared it would be bad news. He was always obsessing over bad news. This time though, he was right. Josh was on the other line, explaining the reason why he  blocked his number, was because Arnold would never answer his **god damn** calls. That's when he told him, voice weak and trembling, that his mom had committed suicide a week ago and that he just really needed to hear Arnold's voice as comfort.

Lance was woken up by then, starring into the curly haired boy's eyes, trying to understand what all this sudden fuss was about. Arnold could feel his heart beat faster, his pulse racing and his hands shaking. This was it, he was about to go through his very first panic attack in front of someone unaware of what it was.

Josh could feel him tense up on the other side of the line, instantly regretting his confession. He was holding the phone tightly between his palm and was biting his lower lip, wishing he could take it all back. One thing was sure though, only he knew how to help Arnold go through a bad attack without making him feel like **trash.**

Lance kept starring, shocked and confused. He grabbed the phone out of Arnold hand and threw it on the bed, not caring to hang up.

_''Mate what the hell is this?! What am I supposed to do!?''_ Shouted the gorgeous male, not helping the situation at all.

Arnold shook his head, pressing a hand against his chest and passing the other through his hair. He was crawled up as a foetus in bed, knees tucked up against his stomach.

 He couldn't breathe, he just couldn't **fucking** breathe.

_''Should I get your mom or something ?! I really don't know what the hell I should do.''_ He added, jumping out of bed in only his briefs and bursting out of the bedroom door. He arrived in the kitchen where he fell face to face with Arnold's brother. Steve from that moment on just knew, running towards his little brothers room, leaving their differences aside. He slammed the door open, chasing Lance out of the way.

_''Arnold. Arnold ! FOR **FUCK** SAKES. Call a ambulance!'' _ He signalled to Lance who was still standing too close by. He grabbed his brother by the waist, pulling him into his chest and slowly rubbing his back. _''You're ok...''_ He whispered slowly, not so sure himself.

_''I...I...Don't call an...an...''_ Arnold mumbled desperately, trying to explain he didn't want anything to do with doctors. He hated paramedics.

_''HE IS TRYING TO SAY NOT TO CALL AN AMBULANCE.''_ Josh shouted through the phone, hoping he would be heard. He was still there, hearing the whole conversation and feeling helpless. Josh knew Arnold would be ok and that he wouldn't want to go to the hospital...Josh knew everything about Arnold.

But it was too late, the medics were well on their way and Arnold knew what that meant. They would throw him right back into **mental** hell. He couldn't bare going back there alone. Without Ginger...Without Hannah...And especially without Rose.

_________________________

From that moment on, all crashed for him. He was carried back in to a room where he was completely cut from the outside world. All he could bare to think about between his four white walls, was how sad Josh must had been feeling. He wanted to be tucked in his arms so badly. If only he could go back...If only he wasn't a **freak**. He would do everything differently this time. He would love him properly this time. It was all his fault. It must have been. It was always him. He always **fucked** it up.

After three days of being locked up in what he could picture like a prison, after eleven huge panic attacks, after nights of crying and day naps filled with nightmares, a nurse entered his room, light smile on her face. She came in slowly, as if she was scared she would be the cause of another breakdown. Stopping a few inches before reaching his bed where he was laying down under a pile of blankets, she took a deep breath.

_''Someone called for you today. Josh? Rose's son... Do you remember him Arnold?''_ The nurse asked, almost whispering.

_''I...erm...yeah.''_ He answered, unable to form a proper sentence.

_''He would like to come visit you tomorrow, but thought it would be better to ask your permission before. Would you like some time to think about it?''_ The nurse said, looking quite unsure herself.

Arnold wished he could just say yes and make it simple for once. Sadly, the thoughts going through his mind were quite more complicated. Was Josh coming to see him out of pity? Would he be a crying mess? He was not sure if he was in a state to handle that. Was he looking good enough? Would they cuddle? Or even kiss? The anxiety was already rushing back into his veins, only at the thought of his blond ex walking into his caged room. He needed to think about it, he really did.

_''I...''_ Knowing nothing more would come out of his mouth, Arnold simply nodded out of approval.

_''Ok good. I'll come back tomorrow morning so we can discuss it all. Oh and you have an appointment with your psychiatrist at 2. Remember?''_ She added, just to make sure.

Another nod.

_''Take it easy.''_ She replied, writing a few things on her pad before heading right out.

A long sigh came out of Arnold's mouth, covering his face with the blankets. He was so sick of feeling this way. He just wanted to get better and yet, he couldn't even manage to smile. He looked at the clock across his bed, acknowledging he had quite enough time for an early afternoon nap, praying he wouldn't go through another bad dream.

It was surprisingly a quiet snooze. So quiet, his psychiatrist decided to let him sleep through his appointment. He hadn't been this calm in such a long time, so she didn't want to disturb him. She simply left a little note by his bed, so he wouldn't flip out when he was going to wake up late.

Arnold's long nap made him sleep through dinner, making the hospital staff quite a bit worried. One of the employee's decided to have a look by his room, knowing that Arnold could never bare even being late for a split second.

_''Sweetie...?''_ She asked with a very soft voice, just slowly knocking on his door. It was Meredith, Arnold's favourite nurse. The only one he could ever talk to in here. Waiting for an answer that never came, she slowly pushed her way in, smile instantly appearing on her face when she saw the fragile 20 year old asleep and breathing softly. His chest was gently climbing up and down and his cheeks were a light pink color. He looked so peaceful. So well. He looked **normal** , which was to him, the biggest compliment someone could ever tell.

Meredith approached the bed, a shred of her blond hair slowly falling onto her forehead. She slowly place a hand on Arnold's shoulder, trying to avoid scaring him. The young boy's eyelids slowly opened, shining of a light hazelnut.

_''Hey you. You looked pretty cozy there huh?''_ She asked, still squirming. _''I'm happy to see you got some rest.''_

The curly haired boy nodded, patting one of his pillows and using it as a cushion for his back as he sat up. He rubbed his eyes slowly, still a little confused by his long nap.

_''Wh...What time is it...I have an appointment with...''_ He tried asking before Meredith cut him off.

_''Shush.''_ She handed him the note by his bed. _''You slept through it, but she didn't want to wake you up. It's 7pm you sleepy head.''_  She laughed a little, showing him a small plate filled with mashed potatoes and baby carrots. _''It was meatloaf night...So I didn't have much of a choice. Thought you might be a little hungry though?''_

Arnold hadn't ate a lot since he arrived at the hospital. He had completely lost his appetite for some reason. He was pretty sure the death of Rose had a lot to do with it though.

Meredith slowly placed his dinner on the night stand by his side. She handed him a cocktail of 5 small pills and a glass of water.

_''Try and eat a little after taking them? It would avoid you a stomach ache ok?''_ She insisted, waiting for him to swallow the pills and chug the liquid down his throat. _''Tongue.''_

He showed her his tongue, just so she could make sure none of the pills were hiding under it.

_''Brenda told me about Josh...About him calling. I thought we could maybe have a word about that.''_ She was hoping he would open up to her a little.

_''I...Yeah.''_ He answered nervously, not even sure he wanted to talk about anything at this point.

_''He wants to come visit. Do you think you know why?''_ Meredith questioned him, wondering herself what his intentions were.

_''He is going through pretty rough times.''_ He admitted, already looking more tensed then when the conversation started. Still proud though, that actual sentences were coming out of his mouth.

_''And so are you.''_ She added, patting his back slowly. _''You do know that right?''_

_''Mhm...''_ Was the only answer he could even think of. His heart was rushing a little more now and he knew if the conversation continued, this would end up badly. He passed a hand threw his curls and tucked his palm against his stomach, face growing more and more pale. His eyes were getting itchy with tears, trying his best to hold them back. Meredith knew this conversation had to end. Now.

_''I'll call him tomorrow. Tell him now is not the right time.''_ She affirmed, trying her best to keep Arnold in a good state of mind.

_''I...No.''_ He confessed, now chasing away a tear that was rolling along his cheek. _''I...I want to see him.''_

_''Arnold are you sure that's a good Id...''_ She tried asking, but now, it was Arnold's turn to cut her off.

_''I want to see him!''_ He almost shouted, pretty positive he hadn't given such a confident answer in a really long while.

_''Ok then. I will give him a call...or...or do you?''_ She smiled, taking her cell phone out of her back pocket. _''You can if you want. I know I'm supposed to supervise, but I can wait on the other side of the door.''_

Arnold was not mentally prepared to that kind of proposition, but considering he hadn't talked to Josh since having a complete breakdown, he decided to take advantage of the offer. He gently took the phone from Meredith's hand, waiting for her to close the door behind her before dialling the number he still knew by heart. He took a deep breath as it rang for the first time. _''Fucking hell Arnold. Keep your **shit** together...Please.'' _ He ordered to himself, hoping he could make it through a god damn phone call.

_''Hello? Whoever this is, I hope you know there's a documentary about chickens on the telly and I really don't want to miss it''_ Josh goofed around as always.

_''Oh...I...I can call back if you'd like.''_ Arnold said, automatically feeling really bad.

_''Ar...Arry? Hey! No you dummy, I didn't know it was you...''_ He admitted, already smiling at the other side of the line. _''I'm...really happy you called.''_

_'You are!?! I mean...you...you are?''_ Arnold corrected himself, trying not to look too enthusiastic.

_''Well yeah! I wanted to talk to you for quite a while. But you know, you had to do a bunch of panic attacks and all and well that made us not being able to talk and I tried to call but like they told me you didn't have your phone so I asked to come visit you and then I was nervous because I was not sure you would want to see me so now I'm happy to talk to you because I'm guessing that means I'll know if I'll get to see you or not and jeez Arnold I really want to see you.''_ Josh took a deep breath, unable to keep himself calm when he was nervous. He wasn't even sure if half of what he said made sense.

Arnold let a giggle slip out from his lips. He was shocked himself. He hadn't even managed to smile in three full days. Only Josh could bring back that tingly little feeling in his belly. Those little butterflies were flying around and well...It really felt good.

_''Josh. I decided I wanted to see you.''_ He smiled as he said it out loud.

_''Obviously you do!''_ Josh laughed, still letting a little sigh of relief slip away.

_''I...I have to go. But, I'll see you tomorrow around...?''_ He asked, biting his lip as he waited for an answer.

_''Noon!''_ He replied, already exited.

_''Ok.''_

_''Ok.''_

Arnold hanged up, letting out another giggle before calling out for Meredith.

_''Thank you for this.''_ He gave her phone back and watched her storm right back out. The smile on her face made him realise that he took the right decision. That seeing Josh again was going to be good for him. That having something to hope for, something to live for, could only do him well. He grabbed the plate by his bed, letting it rest on his knees. He took a spoonful of mashed potatoes, licking his lips with delight.

______________________________

The next morning, Arnold was up by 5am. He had spent a good night and was too excited to get more sleep. By 7, he was in the cafeteria, having a light breakfast, toast with butter. He hated being in that section of the **mental** home...He had to sit alone and he didn't enjoy looking like a loner. He missed having friends around. Now two were dead and one was living in a trailer. He would of hoped for a better conclusion, but you get what you get.

After eating, he went back into his room to grab some fresh clothes and his toothbrush, before heading to the showers. He had to look decent for Josh, obviously. The warm water falling from his head to his feet, felt really good on his body. He hadn't dared to take one since he had arrived. He looked down towards his rib cage, noticing how sharp the bones seemed. He had always been quite slim with his very restraint vegetarian diet, but this was thinner that he had ever been before. He hadn't really noticed, but now, it seemed obvious. He suddenly felt the nerves rushing through his veins once more. What if Josh thought he was too thin. What if he questioned him about having to eat more. What if he offered him a snack and he didn't like what it was, having to refuse it. What if it would hurt his feelings, making him want to leave. **Shit.** He was doing it again, hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Why did he always have to expect the worst. Why was he so **dumb** , **useless** and a **burden** to everyone. As he got out of the shower, his smile had faded a little. He shook his hair, trying to keep it's natural look and brushed his teeth for a whole 10 minutes, obsessing over bad breath. Everything had to be perfect, because Josh was perfect to him and that was what he deserved in Arnold's mind.

He went back into his room, smiling as he saw the number 10 on his alarm clock. He had just the right time to write down a few conversation idea's, just in case there would be presence of an awkward silence.

____________________________

Noon rang and the nerves were kicking in. Josh was just checking into the hospital, swallowing the huge lump in his throat. The memory of him coming to visit his mom, kept playing on repeat in his head. Today wasn't going to be easy for him, but he knew that already. He pressed his little visitor sticker against his orange cardigan, slowly moving towards Arnold's room. He sucked in a deep breath before finally knocking on the door. He couldn't believe he was there.

Arnold was pretty sure his heart stopped when he heard someone outside his room. It was him. He was there. He showed up. He couldn't believe he had actually showed up.

_''Co...Come in''_ He managed to say, voice already trembling. He pitched his forearm between his thumb and index, trying to punish himself for being so scared.

Josh nodded, opening the door slowly and letting himself into the room. He couldn't keep himself from thinking how weak Arnold looked. His skin was so pale, almost transparent. The veins in his neck were a bright purple and his cheeks seemed incredibly...bony.

Arnold's thoughts were going crazy as well. He had have mentally prepared himself to see a very **wreaked** version of Josh. Perhaps though, the only thing he could notice were his puffy eyes and the dark circles craved under them.

_''Can I?''_ Josh asked, pointing the bed.

Arnold gave him a light nod, moving to the right to leave him enough space to sit down by his side.

_''You look...''_ Was about to say Arnold before he was cut off.

_''Horrible? I know. Sadly my face is still the same and the doctor said I can't change it. I mean, I could have plastic surgery, but imagine it goes wrong and my face turns out even worse than it already is. Like... I can't deal with that.''_ Josh smiled, pointing his face as if it was horrible. He was trying so hard to stay strong.

_''I was going to say that you looked good. Yeah, you look really good.''_ Arnold said smirking. He had missed Josh so much.

_''You think I look good? I thought my forehead was not even my worst feature?''_ The blond quirky guy asked, not really realising it was too soon for jokes related to their breakup.

_''Josh...I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking anything I said. It's just...I was mad and I didn't think you would leave me. I just...I said the first thing that came through my mind.''_ He tried to explain, continuously rubbing his arm to the point where it was a bright shade of red.

_''Stop that.''_ Josh insisted, slowly touching Arnold's arm. He pointed towards it, making his friend realise what he was doing to himself.

Arnold's insides were tingling. He hadn't felt Josh's touch in what had seemed forever.

_''So...Sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything you know.''_ The fragile boy whispered, unable to look into Josh's eyes. He was scared. Scared he would be mad at him.

_''I'm sorry too Arnold. If only you knew how sorry I am.''_ Josh shook his head, knowing he wouldn't be able to keep his calmness for much longer.

_''I'm...sorry for your mom.''_ Arnold sincerely added, grabbing all his confidence to dare and touch Josh's thigh.

_''Yeah. That too.''_ He nodded as a thank you, gently pressing his hand against Arnold's. _''I like...really miss her you know. I...I miss both of you.''_

_''I...I miss both of you too Josh.''_ Arnold admitted, slowly letting himself fall into the crook of the other boy's neck. Everything seemed so right to him. They seemed right.

Josh tensed up for a second as he felt Arnold press against him. He had wished about this moment for quite a while now. From the day were it all happened, when he asked Tom to call him and he didn't **fucking** answer. He needed him and he wasn't there... He relaxed after a few seconds though, simply happy to feel such warmth.

_''I just...You know...I keep acting as if everything was ok. I keep being so strong on the outside. But jeez Arnold, I'm so weak on the inside. I mean...I...I lost my mom. My mom! Sure she wasn't perfect nor that special...But she was my mom and now I won't ever see her again_. _''_ He admitted, knowing he was quite close from his breaking point. _''I mean...I did love her you know.''_

_''I know.''_ Arnold answered, having no idea of what he should even say in a moment like this one.

Josh tried so hard to hold back his tears. He kept his left hand against his mouth, biting hard on his lip to try and prevent a full out breakdown. He had this huge ache in his stomach that wouldn't leave him alone. One little pearl of water slowly made its way down his pink cheek, but no sound came out of his mouth. He could feel actual pain of trying so hard to keep himself from crying. There was just so much a normal guy could take. Arnold knew. He just knew it was coming and he wanted to let him know it was ok. He wanted to let him know that he was there for him and there was nothing to be ashamed of. The only thing he could think of, was intertwining their fingers and squeezing his hand tightly. As he felt Josh's body slowly starting to shiver with multiple tremors, he understood it had worked as whished.

With not an ounce of energy left, Josh let himself fall against Arnold, letting all his body weight drop at once. The other boy followed his movement, allowing him to lay down against him. Josh's fists grabbed the collar of Arnold's shirt, desperately hiding in his chest and finally letting a few sharp sobs escape his mouth.

Relief of the agony.

Arnold wrapped his weak arms around his ex's body, holding him as tight as he could, even though he felt as if he could break. He knew he wasn't supposed to talk, so he didn't say a word. He let Josh cry as loud and for as long as he wanted. He didn't care about how much of a mess his shirt would be, he was simply thankful for his presence. He had never seen him like this before, filled with such sadness and despair. It broke his heart in two and made him feel so helpless. He knew there was nothing he could say or do that would make it better. He closed his eyes, focusing on nothing other than Josh. His hand brushed against his back, trying to show him support. The moment felt eternal, as if the tears would never stop.

Meredith popped into the door, worried about the loud crying, just wanting to make sure everything was ok. It was her job anyway, she had no choice but to check. She caught Arnold's look, which she could easily translate to _''I've got this.''_ So she made an exception, closing the door to give them a little more intimacy. _''Poor kid...''_ She whispered to herself as she left the corridor, heading back to the main lobby.

_''Jo...Josh...Can I do something to help?''_ The curled headed boy asked, starting to feel more and more useless by the second.

_''Gosh...No...I'm...I'm just such a mess.''_ He admitted, rubbing his eyes and taking a deep breath, hoping it would calm his sobs _. ''I'm the worst. I didn't come here to cry, I came here to see you.''_

_''Well technically...You are seeing me.''_ Arnold let out a small giggle, trying so hard to calm the heavy atmosphere filling the room.

Josh agreed with a smirk, wiping his tears away with his sleeve and crawling up to Arnold's torso. He pressed his forehead against his, nervously making their nose's touch. He hadn't feel so close to someone in a really long while.... Arnold could feel their tears mixing together as they were so close to each other. As he got closer, he could feel Arnold's quick breaths against his lips, deciding to dive in for a small smooch. Their lips touched and he relaxed as he felt the one's of the younger boy move along. He felt all tingly. He felt less alone.

As he moved back, his spheres looked right into Arnold's, unable to do anything else than to smile. He missed him, he really did.

_''Th...This isn't only because you are lonely right? This is not just because you miss having someone?''_ Arnold asked, perfectly knowing how Josh could be.

_''I don't think so... I mean...I really do miss you. But maybe we can take our time with...Whatever this is?''_ Josh suggested, wanting to be fully honest with Arnold, but also with himself. He had lied to much in the past, he was fed up of that.

_''I think I realised...I fucking hate open relationship's.''_ He admitted, curls falling into his eyes.

_''Do you now...?''_ Josh laughed. _''I'm guessing things didn't end well with...?''_

_''Lance.''_ Arnold finished, making a long sigh before adding anything else. _''I don't really know. I haven't heard from him since I got thrown back in here.''_ He sadly affirmed, feeling like **crap** when he even thought about being rejected once more.

_''I guess he wasn't ready to deal with a **mental**? I promise you, I have very much experience with **freaks**.'' _ Josh poked Arnold's lips, leaning down, pressing a small little kiss on his forehead. _''Do you want to be with him or...?''_

Arnold simply shook his head, not even knowing what he wanted or didn't. All he knew was that for the moment, he was exactly where he wanted to be. Minus the mental home obviously.

_''He sucked anyway. Who wants to be with someone that has such a perfect face?''_ Josh questioned sarcastically, really just trying to make Arnold burst out a few more giggles. He loved his laugh so much.

_''Josh, your face is fine. Stop obsessing over it.''_ He admitted as he let out a small sigh. _''I like your weird little face. It's...Original. ''_ A small chuckle came out of his mouth, satisfying the blond boy quite enough.

_''From all the qualities you could have chosen to describe my face...you choose original? You could have at least tried Arnold. Jeez!''_ Josh rolled his eyes, being playful as always.

It made Arnold so relieved to see his friend as he was. He had missed having someone so bubbly in his life. Sure, Josh was probably not the simplest, nor most logical choice as for a relationship, but Arnold kept thinking he wasn't quite a gift himself.

_''So...I guess we can make this a weekly meeting thing?''_ Josh said, looking at his watch. He had to head back at his loft and prepare dinner. Tom would clearly not be the one doing it. Since he had moved in with him, he had not even do the dishes once. Sadly, that was not much of a surprise.

_''Erm...Yes.''_ The curly headed boy nodded, quite satisfied with that deal.

_''Or...Maybe I could come like...2 times a week. Or like 3... You know I'm a busy young man but I think I can...''_

_''You can come whenever you like Josh.''_ Arnold cut him off, brushing his fingers against Josh's hand.

_''I will.''_ Josh promised, pressing his soft lips against Arnold's forehead.

Arnold watched Josh as he left, small smile forming onto his face.

_''I will be ok.''_ He admitted to himself.

And it was the first time in a while, he actually believed it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't be shy to leave your comments and requests for future stories involving this ship, or others.   
> Thank you so much for reading and stay tunned for other cool stuff on my profile.   
> Long live Josh and Arnold !
> 
> Much Love,   
> Sabrina xx


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